• “I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”
• “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
• “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
• “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
• “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
• “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
• “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
• “It's best for employers that I not work with people.”
• “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
• “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
• “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
• “Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.”
• “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
• “References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.”
• “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
• “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
• “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”
• “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.”
• “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
• “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
• “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.”
• “Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.”
• “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
• “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
• “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.”

And for those already with jobs, these quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:

• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
• "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."

---

• return to index of pages on general humour
• pages on technology-orientated humour: General, Microsoft