FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 1st
RE: Christmas Party |
| I'm happy
to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on
Dec. 23rd, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols so feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed at Santa Claus. |
FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 2nd
RE: Christmas Party |
| In no
way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on we are calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy
now? |
FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 3rd
RE: Holiday Party |
| Regarding
the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting
a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only";
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? |
FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 7th
RE: Holiday Party |
| What
a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off serving your meal until the
end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? |
FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 8th
RE: Holiday Party |
| So December
22 marks the Winter Solstice, what do you expect me to do, a tap dance
on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "Earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during
the band's breaks. Okay??? |
FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 9th
RE: Holiday Party |
| People,
people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus!! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen
to be "Satan", there is no evil connection to our "little
man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock
at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? |
FROM:
Pat Lewis Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 10th
RE: Holiday Party |
| Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep the party at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue, whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%&^$! Salad bar, including
hydro-ponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! |
FROM:
Teri Bishops, Acting director Human Resources
TO: Everyone
|
DATE:
December 14th
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party |
| I'm sure
I speak for all us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness. I'll be happy to forward your cards to her
at the sanatorium. In the meantime, the management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with
full pay. |
|
