From the secondary sources we are given hindsight into the future.

From "A History of the Past, Part II," a narrative compiled by Anders Henriksson from statements found in student papers over the last fifteen years; his first such composition, "Life Reeked with Joy," was published in 1983. Henriksson is a professor of history at Shepherd College, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. The essay appeared in the Winter issue of The Wilson Quarterly.

Hindsight, after all, is caused by a lack of foresight. Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. Mesapatamia was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river. Flooding was erotic. Judyism was the first monolithic religion. Old Testament profits include Moses, Amy, and Confucius, who believed in Fidel Piety. Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahara Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip and the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez Canal. David was a fictional character in the Bible who faught with Gilgamesh while wearing a sting. He pleased the people with his many erections and saved them from attacks by the Philipines.

Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her lace. The Trojan War raged between the Greeks and the Tories. We know about this thanks to Homer's story about Ulysses Grant and Iliad, the painful wife he left behind. King Xerox of Persia invaded Greace, but fell off short at the battle of Thermosalami. Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs. Religion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such as Herod, Mars, and Juice.

The Greeks were important at culture and science. Plato invented reality. The Sophists justified themselves by changing relatives whenever this needed to he done. Lust was a must for the Epicureans. U. Cud proved that there is more than one side to every plain. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle. Archimedes made the first steamboat and power drill.

Rome was founded sometime by Uncle Remus and Wolf. Roman upperclassmen demanded to be known as Patricia. Senators wore purple tubas as a sign of respect. Spartacus led a slave revolt and later was in a movie about this. The Roman republic was bothered by intestinal wars. Cesar inspired his men by stating, "I came, I saw, I went." He was assinated on the Yikes of March, when he is reported to have said, "Me too, Brutus!"

A tidul wave of Goths, Huns, Zulus, and others impacted Rome. Athena the hun rampaged the Balkans as far as France. Society was crumpity. Neo-Platonists celebrated the joys of self-abuse. When they finally got to Italy, the Australian Goths were tired of plungering and needed to rest. A German soldier put Rome in a sack. During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.

Medeval society was arranged like a tree, with your nobles in the upper twigs and your pesants grubbing around the roots. This was known as the manurial system, where land was passed through fathers to sons by primogenuflecture. Power belonged to a patriarchy empowering all genders except the female. Nuns, for example, were generally women. In the early part of the Middle Ages female nuns were free to commit random acts of contrition and redemption. Later they were forcibly enclustered in harems. Russia was run over by Batu Cohen and crushed under the Mongol yolk. Certain tribes of India practiced voodoo innuendo. The Crusades, meanwhile, enlarged opportunities for travel.

Historians today feel that the renaissance was the result of medevil people being fertalized by events. Italy was pregnant with huge ideas and great men. Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with Richard Nixon. Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality. This was a time when Europeans felt the need to reach out and smack someone. Ferdinand and Isabella conquered Granolo, a part of Spain now known as Mexico and the Gulf States. Columbus came to America in order to install rule by dead white males over the native peoples.

There was an increase in climate during the eighteenth century. Agriculture fed more people as crop yields became lower. These were factors in the better times to come. The Scientific Revolution developed a suppository of knowledge which greatly helped later generations. Copernicus showed that the solar system rotates around the earth. Sir Issac Newton invented the newton. Lock taught that life was a tabula rasa.

The American colonists lived on a continent and England was an island. Thus the Americans wanted independence. Benjamin Franklin, already famous as inventor of the light bulb, persuaded French King George III to help the U.S.A.

The French Revolution was like a tractor. It gave people the understanding that you need change in order to make tracks in the world. The Third Estate was locked out of its motel and had to do its business on a tennis court. Another problem was that France was full of French people. Revolters demanded liberty, equality and fraternities. Fraternity breeded pride in the nation and therefore thicker political boundaries. In 1799, Napoleon performed a coo. Napoleon fertilized all his life.

The Industrial Revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories. Great progress was made through the introduction of self-acting mules. Telephones were not available - communication went by mouth to mouth or telegram. The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers. The social structure was Upper Class, Middle Class, Working Class, and Lowest Poor Scum. Nobles claimed to be descended from better jeans. British paternalists were motivated by "noblesse oblique." Certain members of the lower middle class exhibited boudoir pretensions. The slums became brooding grounds for lower class unrest.

In Russia, the Decembrists attempted a coup du jour. Mazzini was a conservative liberal socialist who founded a revolutionary group known as "Little Italy." Pope Leo XIII is known as the author of Rectum Novarum, a book of conservative ideas. Another man to influence the state and others was Kark Marx, who advanced diabolical materialism. His ideas about revolution, condos, and supermen intrigued many.

Prostitution, considered to be the world's oldest profession, got its beginnings in the nineteenth century. Sex in this period was a very quiet ordeal. Feminists argued that sex outside the family would make you go blind or lose your memory. Leaders of the women's movement included Florence Nightengail, Susan B. Anthony, and Crystal Pancake.

Burt Einstein developed the theory of relativism. Marie Curie won the Noel prize for inventing the radiator. Writers expressed themselves with cymbals. Cubism, splatterism, etc., became the rage.

Most English believed in the missionary position. Admiral Dewey sank the Spanish Armada in Vanilla Bay. The Russo-Japanese War exploded between Japan and Italy. The German takeover of All-Sauce Lorrain enraged the French, who clamored for vendetta. In 1914, the assignation of Archduke Ferdman gave sweet relief to the mounting tensions.

When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extraterrestrialism. Hitler believed in a Panned Germany and therefore insisted that Czechoslavia release the Sedated Germans into his care. England's rulers vanely hoped for "peas in our time" but were completed foddled by Hitler. Lennon ruled in Russia. When he died, the U.S.S.R. was run by a five-man triumpherate- Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky, Menshevik, and Buchanan. Stalin expanded capitalism by building machine tractor stations. When things didn't go as planned, he used the peasants as escape goats.

Few were surprised when the National League failed to prevent another world war. The perverbial chickens laid by the poor peace treaties after World War I all came home to roast. Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main U.S. base in southern California. The Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg. Stalin, Rosevelt, Churchill, and Truman were known as "The Big Three." Hitler, who had become depressed for some reason, crawled under Berlin. Here he had his wife Evita put to sleep and then shot himself in the bonker.

World War II became the Cold War, because Benjamin Franklin Roosevelt did not trust Lenin and Stalin. An ironed curtin fell across the haunches of Europe. Berlin was airlifted westward and divided into pieces. Israel was founded despite the protests of local Arabs known as Zionists. The Marsha Plan put Europe back together with help from Konrad Adenauer, a French leader whose efforts led to the creation of the Communist Market.

The British Empire has entered a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away, leaving only the odd speck on the map. Mohammed Gandi, for example, was the last British ruler of India. In 1921, he cast off his western clothes and dawned a loincloth. This was a good way to get through to people. The French Empire, on the other hand, fell into total term-oil as they clutched painfully at remaining colonies in Argentina and the Far East.

South Africa followed "Apart Hide," a policy that separated people by skin color. Actually, the fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.

The U.S.S.R. and U.S.A. became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent. Wars fought in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six Minute War. President John F. Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile Crisis. Yugoslavia's Toto became a non-eventualist communist. Hochise Mm mounted the power curve in Viet Nam. Castro led a coupe in Cuba and shocked many by wiggling his feelers every time there was trouble in Latin America. This required the United States to middle in selected bandana republics during the 1960s. Mentally speaking, Russia had to reinvent itself. Gorbachev became top Russian after the death of Leoned Bolshevik.

The historicle period ended shortly after World War II-III. We, in all humidity, are the people of currant times. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt.

History of the Past

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history of the world" from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great invention and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.

In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1680 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. Fourteenth Amendment gave ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napolenonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were tremoling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.